I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
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