i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
