it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
