im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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