apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
