Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
