he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize