Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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