Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
