im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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