Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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