Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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