I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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