i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
