Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize