she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
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