He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
