I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
