I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
