Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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