how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
