my soul wont recognize me after tonight
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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