I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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