i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize