All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
