I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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