i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
