Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
