Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I will pee on everything he values.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
