My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
