Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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