i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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