im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
