3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
