sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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