i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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