you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
