Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
