The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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