seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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