and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
