not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
