Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize