i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
