____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
