we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
