after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
