so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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