Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Little spoons don't ask big questions
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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