Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
