When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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