When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
