I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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