I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
