saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
