Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
