I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
