It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
