And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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