I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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