Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
