So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
