I just saw a hot homeless man
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Houston, we have a blender
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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