she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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