I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize