My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I still have a little drunk in my system
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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