When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
