At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
