i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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